What must you think of me?
This lost and lonely girl that’s before you now.
I look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognise the person before me anymore.
How did I change from the confident, happy go lucky girl I once was to the shell of a person that I feel now?
The only think I can put it down to right now is men and sex.
(Please note that I do not totally blame any of the men I have been with for how I feel about myself, I know it is all me and how I react to certain things, each man has just been another straw and I think the camels back has finally broken)
Do you know how hard it is reading about everyone else’s sex lives when there is no one that will have sex with me?
Whenever I write something like that statement on Twitter I usually get a few tweets from guys saying the typical “oh I would” but that doesn’t make me feel better about myself, it actually makes me feel worse. These guys don’t want the real me, they just want the girl who posts pictures of her breasts online.
With all the guys (it’s really not that many) I’ve slept with my 7 years of being single the situation seems to always be exactly the same, they want to have sex with me for that one night (or twice for a couple of the guys) and that is it. One example is the guy who said that no matter what happened the night we hooked up we would still remain friends, it’s been 5 months and I think we’ve spoken twice.
Another example is The Tripod. He was a friend first, I fancied him like mad, we had a very drunken fuck, in my mind I assumed this meant he liked me back, when I suggested doing it again he turned me down. A month later we are on a night out and everyone of our friends suddenly disappears, leaving it just the two of us. He was the one who came onto me, even though he had previously made it clear he didn’t want me again, here he was inviting me back to his flat. He hardly ever spoke to me again after that second time and eventually disappeared from our friend group.
I ask you, how can a person go through this constant rejection and not feel completely worthless?
I thought this time, the final straw, the friend who stopped treating me like a friend, it would be different. He started talking to me before I ever posted naked pictures of myself. I thought I was actually being liked for the *real* me, it was my chance to feel good about myself again but that never happened.
I think I feel worse about myself than I ever have before. And all because I did one thing, that was not completely different to what others have also done and yet it was. Since then I have been ignored, I’ve explained my issues and expectations, which I think are fairly simple things and still nothing changes, I just feel worse and worse.
I still remember how we first started talking, it was him who messaged me first so it does make me wonder if that encounter had never happen, how would I be today?
I’m looking at myself, just wondering when things will get better.
I don’t want to write about this anymore, I’m starting to sound like a broken record. I especially don’t want to feel the way I do anymore.
When will I look at myself at myself and see the person who I should be?