What I see – #SinfulSunday

I first started taking part in Sinful Sunday to try and boost my self confidence.

Sadly I have to say that even after over a year of getting so many lovely comments from people my confidence hasn’t grown, in fact I fear that it has hit an all time low.

I understand that my brain works in very strange ways thanks to my depression but all I think is that if I’m as wonderful/beautiful/sexy as the people in this community say I am then why am I still unloved and so alone?

Why do I still see myself as a broken, worthless, stupid, fat, ugly lump of a person?

Why do I feel that this community, no matter how much I love being a part of it, is doing me more harm than good in trying to convince me that I’m something I’m not?

Why is there always something to remind me of what I never will be and what I never will have?

Why when looking in the mirror do I see a person that I wish I wasn’t? Why do I see a person I hate being?

image

Why can’t I see what you all apparently see?

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About Charlie

On twitter as @CharlieInThe
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41 Responses to What I see – #SinfulSunday

  1. i love this image, and honestly? i do not think any of us see what other people see…and i think you are wonderful!xxx

  2. Molly says:

    I agree with Leonora 100% I love this shot too but your words make for painful reading. I wish I could lend you my eyes, so you could see what I see rather than what you see through your own harsh eyes. I think we all do this to some extent, we zoom in on what we see are our flaws rather than just stepping back and looking at things with a slightly softer lens of others.

    I am sorry you are feeling this way but I am glad that you felt able to put this out there and share honestly with us about how tough things are for you. For that all I have is a big cyber hug

    Mollyxxx

    • Charlie says:

      Thanks Molly.
      I’m always worried when I do a post like this, I fear people will just think it’s me crying for attention and praise when it really isn’t. I just need to be honest and by putting my thoughts out there I learn that other people feel the same about themselves as I do about myself. It makes me feel slightly less alone and hopefully it will help me in the long run. x

  3. symes4u says:

    With out further reflection I can state that I indubitably love all four of them

  4. You are a beautiful woman with a strong body, and a strong woman with a beautiful body.
    You are one of the people that has inspired me to greater confidence with my own body, and I love you for that x

  5. I can’t answer that for you but I see all the things you say I see. I also see a woman on need of help and I so hope you get that help.
    Lots of love xxx

  6. What bustythewench said “You are a beautiful woman with a strong body, and a strong woman with a beautiful body” is so true. You are strong, sweetie, otherwise you would not have been able to put those words out here. You really are beautiful, but you need to see yourself through the eyes of others. I am also with mornystannitblog: you are in need of help and I too hope you can get it. But please, always remember that you ARE strong and you ARE beautiful, even if at the moment you fail to see it at this moment.

    I wish I could give you real hugs now.

    Rebel xox

  7. silverdomuk says:

    Silverdrop also suffers from clinical depression, fortunately her meds have been working wonders for several years now. But I remember when she suffered from med drop-out. So, as someone who (thankfully) does not suffer from depression, but is in love with someone who does, I suggest the answer to all your questions is:-

    Depression lies.

    I wish you well. 🙂

    PS. You are beautiful.

  8. It’s one of life’s mean streaks, isn’t it. We share images, get amazing comments and compliments but it is as though we have a deflector shield. Of course, one of the worst things is that we let every negative comment or thought straight into our hearts. I see a beautiful woman, blossoming with confidence, beautiful shaped and honestly presented. We see the beautiful you because we aren’t assessing you through the filter of your current mood, current situation or the history of hurt. It isn’t that one view is more truthful than another, it is just that we see you through the filter of your confidence. You see yourself through the filter of your doubt. I always think it would be amazing to pop into someone else’s thoughts and see the absolute honesty of their reactions. You are beautiful. Cherish every time that you tap into that feeling and use those times as a buffer to protect yourself a little. Be as kind to yourself as you would to someone you loved and totally cared for. I know it is hard – I am still working at it. Xx

    • Charlie says:

      Thank you. I will take your words to heart. I need to stop being so hard and down on myself but when that filter of doubt is firmly in place it is extremely difficult. x

  9. Hope Always says:

    silverdomuk says it all…..Depression lies…. I have no idea what it is like to fight this on an everyday biases. However the fact that you posted this proves that you do, Even if at this point in time you feel like you are loosing that battle. It shows such strength and determination to hold on to fight just another day. To me this is amazingly beautiful and incredibly powerful,

    We all have our own inner demon’s that we fight. Just know that you are not alone…..how ever much those demon’s tell you you are.

    • Charlie says:

      Thank you. The reason I write posts like this is because it teaches me that I am not alone in feeling this way and that in turn should, fingers crossed, help me to cope better with these feelings in the future. xx

  10. KaziG says:

    We can be our own worst enemy. You have to learn how to cut yourself some slack and that’s far from easy. I know I struggle with seeing myself as others see me and some days that frustration overwhelms me. But I am grateful for the positive insights and for the people in this community.

    ~Kazi xxx

  11. I agree with all the above comments.
    Depression really sucks, I’ve survived 30 years of it. It’s so hard some days to find the positives, but the fact that you have written such painful words and posted the photo shows that you do have courage and strength.
    We are always our own worst critics.
    *Hugs* x

    • Charlie says:

      It really does suck, doesn’t it?
      Thank you for this comment. Everyone seems to think posting this shows I have courage and strength when I actually feel the exact opposite to that. It makes me feel weak that I have these thoughts. Maybe one day when I’m on the other side of feeling this way I will realise my own strength. xx

      • Having those thoughts doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s another one of the lies of depression. Just take it one day at a time and remember there are a lot of us out ready to listen.
        xxx

  12. Stella says:

    Depression is a lying bitch! It clouds everything in a negative little light that we can’t seem to turn back on. I know first hand. I don’t have a beautiful body, and there are times I wish I could change a lot of it, but I have come to terms with it being the one I have and it suits me. It allows me to carry my 50+ pounds growing boy up stairs to bed when he falls asleep on the couch. It is covered in battle scars from accidents and surgeries. It is soft and lumpy. It responds to his touch and provides pleasure my 20 year old body never could. I’ve learned to see it through the eyes of the people who love me, the people who have loved me, and appreciate all the wonderful things it can do rather than comparing it to standards I will never meet. You will get there, in time. Take pride in the body you have and the pleasure it brings. Listen to those of us who tell you you are beautiful.

    Stella

    • Charlie says:

      Thanks Stella.
      Depression is definitely a bitch. How did you learn to see yourself through others eyes?
      I find it hard to focus on the reasons why someone loves me or has loved me, all I seem to focus on is the reason why I think no one loves me and the reasons why I am still alone, which then leads me to feel the way I wrote in this post.
      I will get there, I just have no idea when.
      xx

  13. *snuggles tight*

    your pictures are beautiful
    your words are heartfelt and have a sad beauty to them

    you will heal when you are ready
    feel free to talk to me any time, i have hit rock bottom and i’m climbing back up… so i will be gentle but honest and try my best to help… even if all you need is someone to listen

  14. Exposing40 says:

    You’ve had some wonderful comments here that I hope you can draw strength from and I am not sure I can add anything to the words of encouragement. Look after yourself and I hope you come through this. And this is a great shot!

  15. Kilted Wookie (@Kilted_Wookie) says:

    Depression hides what we are from ourselves. It hides our qualities and highlights our faults; but only to ourselves.

    What I see is a beautiful, smart, sexy young woman, who just happens to have a cracking pair of breasts.

    KW

  16. SassyCat says:

    I can so relate to everything you said. There are times when it’s worse than others. Like some of the others said, I wish you could see what we see and you would see that you are beautiful and your photo expresses your beauty, but no matter how much we say that, I know that you must believe it yourself. That’s how I am, anyway. One day at a time, each day is different and don’t be hard on yourself. sending you happy thoughts.

    • Charlie says:

      Thank you. It’s kind of nice to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way, it’s even nicer to know that people have gotten through it. It gives me hope that one day I will get there.

      • SassyCat says:

        I don’t think ppl like “us” ever truly “get there.” I think it’s more like finding constructive ways to get through each day. There are some days that are above great and others that we lay in the gutter (emotionally speaking). One has to learn how to cope. That’s what I’ve learned in the past few years that depression and other emotional crap has taught me. ☺️ I hope that soon you find the “formula” that keeps you equal. Lots of hugs & happy thoughts for you.

  17. sub-Bee says:

    I really wish you could see what others do, I think a part of you can but you hit the nail on the head when you say your depression tells you otherwise. It’s is an evil thing and something that leaves you exhausted from the constant fight with it. I know you feel very alone but please believe me when I say you’re not. I really hope you find the coping mechanism that works for you. And I’m sending you lots of big squishy hugs 🙂

  18. Honey I can identify and relate to your words 100%. This is why I do SS too and exactly like you, I am baffled that people like my pics.
    For what it’s worth? I think you are stunning and I do hope you can one day see wha the rest of us see.
    Hugs
    K x

  19. mariasibylla says:

    This is a lovely, clever, artistic photo. You are a beautiful, beautiful woman. I know it’s hard to acknowledge when you’re feeling low, but it’s true. I’m not sure what the trick is, but I think it’s important to try and not think of your single-hood as a reflection on your looks. You are lovely! It’s just a matter of time and circumstance and meeting the people you click with. Sadly, sometimes those are few and far between. Please do whatever you can to treat yourself well and love yourself well. That care shines through to others.

  20. Your photos are always so powerful, I find that they often stay with me for the rest of the week.

    You take beautiful photos, you really do, and today is no exception. You have enviable breasts and I love mirrors in photos. Whether or not you really believe that your body is beautiful (and it is!), you always manage to photograph it in a way that shows it off at its best! I never think that it matters what filters you use or how it’s cropped or what you’ve hidden, the photo is real and it’s you and it is beautiful! If you can believe that, it might be a start to seeing the rest of you as we all do! Xxx

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