Jealousy is that unpleasant emotion you feel when you think someone’s trying to take what’s yours.
Envy is wanting what someone else has and resenting them for having it.
People normally use the words envy and jealously to convey the same emotion when technically the words have very different meanings,. I am guilty of this, I even did it the other day when trying to explain to someone why I left Twitter.
Maybe this isn’t something I should be admitting, it’s not something people normally admit to feeling but when have I been anything but honest on this blog.
One of the main reasons I left Twitter is because I couldn’t cope with the fact that I was feeling extremely envious of so many other people’s lives/successes/abilities.
Here’s a little list:
I’m envious when I read an amazing blog post (opinion piece or erotica, it doesn’t matter) and wonder why I can’t write as well as other people.
I’m envious of people sharing other people’s blog posts and not mine.
I’m envious when people announce how many blog hits they have had and wonder why my blog isn’t so popular.
I’m envious of other people’s friendships and knowing I’ll never have friendships like theirs.
I’m envious when people write guest posts for other people and not for me.
I’m envious when people get praise and wonder why I don’t get more.
I’m envious of people having sex especially when they are doing it with people I want to do it with.
So maybe you can see now why I left Twitter?
Having all of these thoughts whirling through my brain nearly all day everyday was driving me crazy and I really started struggling to cope.
All of these things are so incredibly self involved. They make me sound so ungrateful for any praise I do receive from people and I am not, I appreciate every comment, retweet and guest post I’ve ever received. I am also very thankful for all the friends who stick by me and support me through the hard times.
It makes me feel like I’m such a horrible person for resenting people who I consider friends, even if they are just internet friends. I hate myself for thinking these things.
I’ve come so close quite a few times to packing in this blog, closing it down and disappearing from the whole sex blogging world completely because a lot of the time I just don’t feel good enough and want to know why I’m not more successful after two years of blogging.
One thing I have finally realised is that it is ok for me to be envious of other people for being brilliant writers, I am only human!
I’m also so incredibly proud of all my Twitter / Blogging friends who are doing so well. When I hear the stories of their successes or even if they just announce they have gotten laid I couldn’t be happier for them.
When it comes to the blogging side of my envy it’s quite easy to see exactly what I need to do to try and combat these feelings. I have to take them and use them as inspiration to push myself more with my blogging and my writing in general. I need to start writing everyday, it’s the only way I’ll improve. I need to start putting some sort of structure into my blog and when my posts get published.
I don’t want to be better than anyone else, I doubt that will ever happen. I just want to feel that I am doing my best (I know I’m not at the moment) and one day maybe I’ll get to a place where I feel that I am good enough to sit along side the bloggers and writers I admire so much instead of feeling like the only child at a grown up’s table.
The friendship / sex side of my envy is much harder to deal with because that’s when it turns into depression. Other than deleting Twitter so I don’t see the things I’m envious of and can instead focus on things in real life that I actually have control over. I don’t know what to do.