On Envy

Jealousy is that unpleasant emotion you feel when you think someone’s trying to take what’s yours.

Envy is wanting what someone else has and resenting them for having it.

People normally use the words envy and jealously to convey the same emotion when technically the words have very different meanings,. I am guilty of this, I even did it the other day when trying to explain to someone why I left Twitter.

Maybe this isn’t something I should be admitting, it’s not something people normally admit to feeling but when have I been anything but honest on this blog.
One of the main reasons I left Twitter is because I couldn’t cope with the fact that I was feeling extremely envious of so many other people’s lives/successes/abilities.

Here’s a little list:

I’m envious when I read an amazing blog post (opinion piece or erotica, it doesn’t matter) and wonder why I can’t write as well as other people.

I’m envious of people sharing other people’s blog posts and not mine.

I’m envious when people announce how many blog hits they have had and wonder why my blog isn’t so popular.

I’m envious of other people’s friendships and knowing I’ll never have friendships like theirs.

I’m envious when people write guest posts for other people and not for me.

I’m envious when people get praise and wonder why I don’t get more.

I’m envious of people having sex especially when they are doing it with people I want to do it with.

So maybe you can see now why I left Twitter?

Having all of these thoughts whirling through my brain nearly all day everyday was driving me crazy and I really started struggling to cope.

All of these things are so incredibly self involved. They make me sound so ungrateful for any praise I do receive from people and I am not, I appreciate every comment, retweet and guest post I’ve ever received. I am also very thankful for all the friends who stick by me and support me through the hard times.

It makes me feel like I’m such a horrible person for resenting people who I consider friends, even if they are just internet friends. I hate myself for thinking these things.

I’ve come so close quite a few times to packing in this blog, closing it down and disappearing from the whole sex blogging world completely because a lot of the time I just don’t feel good enough and want to know why I’m not more successful after two years of blogging.

One thing I have finally realised is that it is ok for me to be envious of other people for being brilliant writers, I am only human! 

I’m also so incredibly proud of all my Twitter / Blogging friends who are doing so well. When I hear the stories of their successes or even if they just announce they have gotten laid I couldn’t be happier for them.

When it comes to the blogging side of my envy it’s quite easy to see exactly what I need to do to try and combat these feelings. I have to take them and use them as inspiration to push myself more with my blogging and my writing in general. I need to start writing everyday, it’s the only way I’ll improve. I need to start putting some sort of structure into my blog and when my posts get published.

I don’t want to be better than anyone else, I doubt that will ever happen. I just want to feel that I am doing my best (I know I’m not at the moment) and one day maybe I’ll get to a place where I feel that I am good enough to sit along side the bloggers and writers I admire so much instead of feeling like the only child at a grown up’s table.

The friendship / sex side of my envy is much harder to deal with because that’s when it turns into depression. Other than deleting Twitter so I don’t see the things I’m envious of and can instead focus on things in real life that I actually have control over. I don’t know what to do.

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About Charlie

On twitter as @CharlieInThe
This entry was posted in Blogging, Life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to On Envy

  1. misfiery says:

    I can so relate to this. I sometimes think I’m just no where near other writers skill level so why bother.

  2. The Anxious Dragon says:

    Its hard when you see people putting all their good stuff online, but you have to remember they dont share the bad stuff.
    I think social media sometimes is a two edged sword. On the one hand you meet people whi can offer understanding and support that maybe lacking in real life, but it also offers a very biased view of other peoples lives, where everything they do seams bigger, happeir, more exciting than it actually is. For people like us looking in on that, its hard not to compare especially when were down on ourselves.
    Sorry for the essay, much love to you my dear Xx

  3. cheap object says:

    Well, it’s OK to leave if you wish so, but please know that I do miss you and I hope you will return some day 😉 You see, I came here to look for you, because I care 😉

    Sincerely, cheapobject

    • Charlie says:

      As you may have seen I have returned today, won’t be on there much though. Still working through the second friendship part of my envy but I will get there. X

  4. Kilted Wookie (@Kilted_Wookie) says:

    Your blog is great. Not just your photos, which I love, but the honesty and feeling you put into your words. Everybody is different. Every blog is as individual as the blogger who writes it. It’s part of the human condition to compare ourselves to others, but as bloggers, we write what we feel from our own lives and experiences, our own needs and desires. These are do unique to the individual that, really, you can never compare them because the only thing we all have in common is our shared humanity. It’s all the other things that make us the people we are.

    So, express yourself and, most importantly, be yourself. I don’t want you to be Molly, or Chloë, or Rebel, I want you to be you.

    KW

  5. desiecat1 says:

    I can relate to this too and have felt similar on a number of ocasions sometimes including when I read about the things you do and write. Its one of those things you have to detach yourself a little bit and not be too hard on yourself. Glad to see you back blogging and on twitter. Best wishes.

    • Charlie says:

      Thanks for this comment. I guess I never realised that there might be some people out there who feel the same envy about me as I do about other people. Definitely food for thought.
      Like I said in this post I know that feeling this way is only human, I just need to use it to push myself to improve. X

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