Today is the 2nd birthday of this blog.
I’ve been wondering for a while what special thing I could do to celebrate it and honestly I was/am completely stumped for ideas so as I’ve been away from the blog for a month (apart from one Sinful Sunday post) I thought I would just write whatever comes to mind.
(This blog is essentially a brain dump so please forgive me if it lacks coherence and flow.)
What a lot has changed in the last 12 months on this blog.
I’ve started to write erotic fiction
I started to participate in SinfulSunday
I’ve participated in #nablopomo, where I wrote a post a day for a whole month.
I’ve taken two blog holidays where I have hosted some pretty amazing guest posts.
I am currently at the end of my second blog holiday and I kind of feel I need to explain to you why I needed to take some time off.
Recently with all the stuff my brain has been putting me through with my depression and anxiety I lost my love of blogging. More importantly I seem to have lost the ability to write, erotic fiction especially. As I’ve been trying not to write posts when I am feeling particularly depressed or upset it means that I have suffered extreme writers block when it come to writing about anything else, my notes app on my phone is filled with ideas I just can’t seem to form them into anything I feel is worth writing/reading.
And that right there is the problem, over recent years I have lost a lot of confidence and in recent months I’ve lost confidence in what I write and I still haven’t pinpointed why that is. I follow so many great bloggers and writers and sometimes I just feel like what is the point in me writing when there are so many better writers out there.
Having a blog holiday and a real holiday has really helped me change my mind set when it comes to certain things.
Take my anxiety issues, I have been trying (and failing) to sort out these issues and I think I’ve made a proper break through.
You see a week ago I went on holiday to Zante, this involved catching a flight, my first in over 10 years, all by myself. I know for people without anxiety issues or for people who fly regularly this might seem like a trivial thing but for me it is probably the biggest thing I’ll do this year and it made me realise there was absolutely nothing to be scared of. When I walked onto the tiniest plane I’ve ever been on, I was close to hyperventilating but as I got into my seat a kind elderly couple in the seats next to mine chatted to me about them visiting their daughter and it helped to distract me, which was incredibly helpful. Reading and listening to music was the only way I could keep myself calm, I basically had to pretend to myself that I wasn’t on a plane. Half through the flight I relaxed properly and realised that there was absolutely nothing to be anxious about, looking out of the window was scary at first but then I absolutely loved looking at the world passing below me. My flight home today was a much calmer affair. I kind of feel like I can take on the world now and that’s exactly what I plan to do. I need more holidays and I definitely need more adventures. Hopefully that will also help get my writing juices flowing again.
Last year on the first birthday of this blog I wrote about sex or my lack of it which is basically theme of this blog. I hadn’t have sex for over a year and it was really starting to bother me, it still bothers me. At times I feel like a fraud, how can I be a sex blogger if I’m not actually having sex?!
In the past year I have had sex on three separate occasions ( that’s three more than the year before so I guess that’s kind of a win!) It was with two different men. I guess I can scratch meeting a stranger for sex off my list of things as even though I had talked to these men for a while before hand, they were/are still essentially strangers and we had sex the first time we met face to face. I also discovered how much I love sex bruises.
What bothers me most about each of these encounters is that there wasn’t more of them over the past year, not through lack of trying on my part. I doubt I will ever hear from/see either of these men again and that really hurt me at the time. I feel differently now, no matter how much I believed the “we will remain friends no matter what” line at the beginning I have learnt to be wary of people who say this. The way I feel I have been treated is definitely no way to treat a friend and true friendship is never one sided and that is how I feel my “relationships” with these men ended up (they may feel completely different.) Another reason why I wanted (and probably needed to) have sex with these guys on more occasions is that I feel the times we did have together all though they were fun and very enjoyable I feel like they could of been so much more if I hadn’t been so nervous and lacked so much confidence in my abilities.
For now I am giving up on men altogether, I deleted all my online dating profiles before I went on holiday. I have much more important thing to focus on like self improvement and planning more holidays/adventures.
So there we have it, my blogs second birthday post and a bit of a brain dump. I don’t know what you can expect from me in the next 12 months but thanks for sticking around.