So far this month I have hosted three very different but brilliant blog posts and now for the last but by no means the least. This week’s is written by the lovely @euclideanpoint. Please make sure to leave a comment to let her know what you think.
I’m kinky and I’m a switch – sometimes I’m sexually dominant, and sometimes I’m sexually submissive. This guest post for Charlie is my attempt to explore some aspects of my switching and how it works in my life. I’d be interested to hear other people’s thoughts/views in the comments.
There was no moment of awakening when I realised I was into BDSM. Playground games where I was the princess trapped in the wicked witch’s tower gave way to bedtime fantasies about capture and torture and then came the day that I bought my very own pair of handcuffs. One evening of filing off the safety catches later, I considered myself the most sexually adventurous of my group of nerdy virgin mates.
I bought the handcuffs because I was fascinated by the idea of being restrained. I wanted to explore how it would feel to be both encased and yet vulnerable, completely at someone else’s mercy. I was starting learn that I wanted to be sexually submissive.
And yet I was also determined to handcuff one of my good friends to my bed. I had no plans for what I would do if I ever got him there, but just the fact that he was reluctant to let me do it made it an irresistible goal. I wanted him to give up the freedom that he valued so highly and trust me with his safety. I wanted to watch him realise he’d better keep on trusting me, as there was no getting out without me deciding to turn the key.
I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was a switch.
More years than I’d like to admit later, I’m now very fortunate to be married to another switch. Sometimes we’re both feeling dominant and the resulting power struggle can go one of two ways – great sex or a fight. Sometimes we’re both feeling submissive and on those days not a lot gets done. But the magic happens when we’re both at opposite ends of the scale. He will tie me up, order me around, and generally have his way with me. Or I will tell him what to wear, call him a slut and suggest that he goes down on me until I get bored of orgasms.
I’ve learnt that I can’t quickly transition between a submissive mindset and a dominant one. On a few dirty weekends away from our shared living arrangements we’ve agreed to spend an evening on top each but planning new and inventive ways to torment someone takes me too far away from the headspace I need to properly enjoy submitting. I usually find it takes at least a few days to go from one to the other, if not longer. Sometimes a good day of being dominated scratches that particular itch and I’m done for the while, other times it just makes me want more.
The things that happen in my submissive fantasies tend to bear no resemblance to my dominant fantasies. I have a switch friend who will watch the same porn and imagine themselves as either top or bottom depending on what mood they’re in. This is not something I’ve ever been able to do. Fantasies where I am submissive tend to be more extreme than I would enjoy in real life, and often cross boundaries that I would not be prepared to cross, for example a lot of my submissive fantasies involve group sex and currently I’m pretty monogamous. My dominant fantasies tend to heavily feature vanilla kink-curious people who want to experience sexual submission at my hand. If I watch or read about BDSM activities I will always picture myself as the submissive, if I daydream about playing with people I know or have met, with the exception of my husband with whom I switch regularly, I always picture myself as the dominant.
There’s a school of thought that says switches will never be too evil as dominants as they know that someday soon they’ll be on the receiving end for the submissive to exact their revenge. But that has never really been a concern of mine. Most of the time I want to be dominated, to be kept on the back foot, tied down, and delightfully tortured. But other times I want to be in control. To be just evil enough that I become an unknown quantity, to watch somebody under my complete control realise that, and to see the fear in their eyes.