Abbi Rode wrote this brilliant blog post about an awful guy telling her when she was 18 that she was crap at blow jobs/hand jobs etc and that made her determined to become the best blow job a guy ever had.
It got me thinking.
It’s always the weird/bad things that people say to us that stick with us throughout our lives, they are the things that eventually mold and shape the people we are right now.
Annoyingly it’s not the fact that any guy has ever told me that I’ve been bad at doing anything sex related that has stuck with me. It’s the fact that no guy has ever said I was amazing, brilliant or even just good at doing any sexual act and that is the thing that makes me severely doubt my abilities.
I’ve written before about receiving “sexual performance reviews” after having sex with someone. No one ever wants to be told they are bad at anything but that is what normally happens in every aspect of life. We are more likely to comment on the bad things instead of the good things and this really needs to change.
Personally I need to be told I’m good at things, mainly because I have so much self doubt and that makes me think I am crap at everything not just at having sex.
I’ve written about this before but I do have a major issue with seeking validation from people. Sadly it’s not just anyone I seek this from, it’s guys that I like that I need it from and usually I don’t actually get it. This makes me wonder why I need something so much when I know I won’t get it and that causes more self doubt.
Another thing that bothers me is in a world where mainstream media tells me that I’m not a “real” women because I don’t wear make up, I don’t wear dresses, I drink pints of cider instead of glasses of wine and I don’t want children. I start to believe that it’s true, that I am not a real woman. Why would any man ever want me when he could be with someone who was a “proper” women?
No guy has ever called me beautiful, even The Ex. I get told I have great tits quite often, sometimes I even get called sexy but that’s always about my body, no one has ever said I have a beautiful face or a beautiful personality. So why would I ever think of myself as anything other that ugly?
These are the thoughts that go around my head and ultimately make me very unhappy. Bet you are so glad you don’t live in my head!
The thing with having such low confidence in everything I do is that it’s incredibly unsexy. I know this.
I know that continually point out what you consider your bad points/flaws just illuminates them for everyone else to see, if you keep telling people you are crap at something they will eventually start to believe you.
So there is only one thing for it. Even if I am having thoughts of self doubt, I will no longer tweet about them or blog about them (after this post obviously) I may never be as good at blow jobs or having sex as other girls but just because a guy doesn’t tell me that I’m good doesn’t mean that I’m bad. I may not be the best writer out there but there are still people who enjoy and like what I write.
Basically I’m going to fake it till I make it.