The lovely Jane over at Behind The Chintz Curtain has created a meme where she challenges people to write a short piece of erotic fiction using as many bad euphemisms as possible.
To view all the stories click here, some of them are just brilliant, especially the ones narrated by Exhibit A.
Jane tweeted that she really wanted someone to do a Lord Of The Rings based story and I decided to accept that challenge.
Lord Of His Ring
Sam had set Rosie an epic quest. Bring him to a middle-earth shattering climax and he will grant her wish of being the first man to penetrate her virgin hobbit hole.
“You shall not pass!” He chuckled at her as she got down on bended knees before him, licking her ruby red lips.
He fixed her with his orthanc stare as he discarded his breaches, making them tumble to the floor.
First she licked at the boulders nestled in the thicket of his treebeard*. His wizards staff started to expand before her eyes. Gripping it in her hands she licked her way to the end of his engorged morgul blade and probed his saurons eye with her spiked tongue.
A groan escaped his lips and she knew she was starting to break down his morranon.
Little did Sam know that Rosie had a trick up her sleeve. She knew that there was one ring that ruled all men, they didn’t call her the ring wraith for nothing.
She moved one of her hands between his legs as her mouth continued to suckle on his sword.
She placed her finger on his ever so precious place and as she inserted a finger into his ring Sam felt like he had been transported to another plane of existence.
He started to plough his staff into Rosie’s luscious mouth with haste as her fingers plunged further into his helms deep.
Sam knew Rosie had beaten him, he thought to himself, “What are you waiting for? Just let it go.”
With a balrog cry he finally released his seed, pulling out of Rosie’s mouth and spraying her with a shelob’s web of semen.
*This line was provided by Jane herself and the story was created around it.