Whether it’s certain people, certain situations or a certain mind frame, sometimes you just need to take a break.
I’ve really struggled writing this post. I wanted all my #nablopomo posts to be happy and positive but sometimes you just need to write things out.
I wish I could explain how and why I have been feeling so depressed lately but sadly I just can’t put it into coherent sentences. I will never be able to express how I am feeling in a beautiful way because what I am feeling is not beautiful, it is horrible, it is raw and it is honest.
Lonely. Depressed. Bullied. Abandoned. Ignored. Unappreciated. An Inconvenience. Crazy.
These are many things I have been feeling.
I wrote my Three Things post on a day I was feeling particularly low last week and annoyingly having continued thinking of three things I’ve been happy or grateful for each day since then, it hasn’t helped.
What did help was one of my followers on Twitter giving me a good talking to.
It is all my own doing that I feel like this, I over think and I dwell on things. This is not good and I can’t carry on like this. I know I’ve said this before but seriously I am so over feeling like this. I face rejection on a daily basis doing my job, I can’t take anymore in the rest of my life. I hate how I have become, I hate how feeling like this makes me treat people, I hate how self involved and selfish I have become.
I’ve come to realise that I’m pretty addicted to Twitter and this has been a big cause of what has been making me depressed. I do not need to tweet every single thought that comes into my mind. I do not need to know everything that has happened on Twitter every single second of everyday. I need to get over my fear of missing out.
Most importantly I need to stop tweeting when I am feeling depressed, I get more responses when I do that and it is acting like positive reinforcement. The more depressive things I tweet, the more attention I get, the more I do it. It’s a vicious circle. There is something so messed up with that!
So at 4am Monday morning (I couldn’t sleep because all this stuff was going round my brain) I made a decision.
As I can’t take a break from this blog, I am fully committed to completing #NaBloPoMo. I’ve decided that I am taking a break from Twitter. I’m not leaving it completely. I don’t think I could go cold turkey but I have made a few changes. I have protected my account, I don’t know how long I’ll keep it that way, I hate the fact that if a person doesn’t follow me they can’t see if I’ve favourited or retweeted one of their tweets, I really dislike that people can’t retweet my tweets but then again I also hate the fact that people are, for want of a better word, stalking my tweets.
I have also blocked some people (actually over the past month I think I’ve blocked more people than I ever have in the previous 16+ months I’ve been on Twitter), they are people that have caused me pain whether they mean to or not. You may say why not just talk to these people? Tell them how you feel and maybe you can work it out. Well I’ve tried and I’ve realised that explaining how I feel just makes me feel even more fucked up than I actually am. I’m at the point where seeing some people come up on my Twitter timeline makes me slip further in the depressive hole I’m tittering on the edge of.
This needs to be done. I want to enjoy Twitter how I see others enjoying it.
I want to enjoy life in all the ways that a person is meant to.
The problem with all of this is that I’m weak willed. I feel guilty for acting this way and I can feel myself getting agitated by it already.
My fear is that people won’t understand why I have needed to do this. I fear that they won’t be there for me when I am ready to deal with them again. Most of all I fear that this won’t make a difference.