Today started off as a bad day, I woke up this morning with that familiar and unwelcomed black cloud above my head, I have been feeling pretty good for the past couple of weeks so I have just been waiting for it to rear its ugly head.
The thing is from reading this blog you may think that men and sex are the only problems in my life, you probably have this picture in your head about what I am like in real life, well you are completely wrong. I only talk about those things here because they are easier to deal with. I could talk about the fact that I am broke, I’m not talking about a little short on money. I mean completely broke, in debt and no way out of it. I could talk about my family issues, the fact that my brother is still AWOL, my mum has taken up drinking to deal with it, the fact that in the wake of my grandads death two illegitimate children have come out of the wood works but I don’t talk about that stuff, talking about it means I would have to face up to it and deal with it and I just can’t at the moment.
So I write about men and sex. As I have also written about before when I am feeling low I need reassurance and that means I turn to men and even now that seems to be failing to help me. Guys telling me how great my body is and how much they want to fuck me is starting to ware quite thin. It’s just not enough anymore. I’ve heard it all before so it just becomes empty words. Where are the guys telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, how good my writing is? But, I hear you shout, what do I expect when all I do is talk about sex and flash my boobs on here?
Ok I’ll admit that there are a couple of guys that do reassure me in this way and I hate how much of an ungrateful bitch this makes me sound but ultimately I don’t care what they think, again it’s empty, meaningless words. They have never met me, they don’t know the real me, the men that do know me are the ones that matter and they are the ones that I get nothing from because how can I expect them to provide me with reassurance when we aren’t even in a relationship, sometime’s especially when I’m feeling depressed I wonder if we are even friends.
So on days like today when I am feeling low and I need to stop myself from falling even deeper into the black hole, I need to refocus my mind onto the good things in life.
In this article it talks of an experiment where people were asked at the end of each day to write down three things they enjoyed, we’re pleased with or grateful for that day and the reason why. They did this for a week. It found that participants were happier than those that did not do this and the result could last up to six months.
Baring that in mind.
These are the three things I’m glad about today:
1. I’m proud of myself for not letting myself fall into the black hole today, I could easily of stayed in bed all day, teetering on the edge but I didn’t and I am grateful that I still have some strength left in me.
2. Having this blog. People can make judgement’s of me, think I’m a slut or a horrible person from what I write but that’s fine. At least that’s the worst thing that can happen, in a hell of a lot of countries in the world women are oppressed, attacked or even killed for even daring to voice their opinions or show their sexuality
Living in a country where I can have an outlet for all my thoughts makes me very grateful.
3. My Friends. This is the one I am most grateful for every single day. I have the most wonderful friends and even when I have been a bad friend and haven’t seen them in months because of the rut I’ve got myself in, they are there for me and it’s like no time has passed at all. Spending time with my best friend today made me realise that I have been doing the opposite of what is good for me. I need to see them more because they make me feel grounded, they make me realise that I’m not alone, they make me happy.
(This post was added to the Wicked Wednesday #157 prompt Three 01/06/2015)