So earlier I asked my followers on twitter what makes them feel grounded as a person.
The responses I got were; project/goals that you set yourself, significant others and friends.
You know what makes me feel grounded as a person, going home and seeing my family.
The thing I’m starting to realise with my depression is that it has become all consuming, it has become what my life (and this blog) revolves around.
My Mum’s side of the family has been the main focus of this year. My wonderful Grandad got ill and sadly passed away in the summer. I miss him so much, writing out the christmas card to just my Grandma and not including his name has been one of the hardest things this christmas. While trying to deal with my own grief, something I have never had to do before now. I have also had to cope with the fallout that his death has caused. I’ve had to push my feelings and my grief aside, having no one to talk to while I deal with my grieving mother, the sibling rivalry between her and my Aunt and all the other worms that have come out of the wood work since his death, including a long lost half sister of my mum’s that my grandma put up for adoption back in 1950 and no one knew about till this year! Major head fuck!
During all of this I have basically abandoned my Dad. I haven’t seen him since before I started this blog. That’s a long fucking time. Nearly a year and a half. It’s not because I don’t want to see him or the fact that I now live nearly 6 hours on a train away from him. It’s because during all this I have let my depression overtake who I actually am as a person.
I don’t feel like myself anymore, I feel like a shadow of my former self and that is all through my own doing. I allow myself to sit and wallow in self pity when I should be out enjoying my life.
I live in a fantastic city that I have barely explored. I have brilliant friends who I haven’t seen in months because my depression prefers me to sit in and over think every little thing in my life. I won’t even get started on the guys in my life.
I can not carry on like this. I might now be shattered into a million pieces instead of just being slightly broken but it’s me that has done that, no one else.
I just can not wait to finish work tomorrow (technically today as its after midnight now) and to go home for Christmas and to finally go visit my Dad again.
Its going to be an opportunity to recharge my batteries, to touch base with those people whom I love and who love me, it will be such a refreshing change from the bile that my depression causes. Having something to focus on other than all the thoughts whirling round my brain will hopefully help me finally sort them out.
It is said that people never change, maybe other people aren’t the ones who need to change, maybe it’s me.
I think it’s about time I do it too.