Today’s post oddly enough goes with exactly how I have been feeling over the past few days, it’s actually quite strange how that’s worked out as this post has been scheduled for this day since the beginning of the month.
This post is written by a great friend of mine, one of my favourite bloggers and a fellow geeky girl, HornyGeekGirl.
Her blog is an amazing mix of real experiences, sex toy reviews and erotica. You must follow her blog here and follow her on twitter here, you won’t regret it.
I’ve been thinking about how we often have periods of ‘mourning’ for any loss we go through. If we have a relationship break-up there is usually a period we go through where we take time to reflect and (hopefully) move on. The length of this period usually depends on how bad the loss and how hurt you were along the way. I think it’s also a time to say, what did I learn and what can I do differently next time.
Relationships are funny things, and I don’t seem to have much luck with them, but I keep trying when I can. Then every so often I decide I am going to give up on attempting to find a ‘boyfriend’. The pressure of the whole thing gets too much, my depression is often a trigger for this, as that is when my self-esteem usually nose dives. Funnily enough when I say this, a guy usually appears and I think “Hey, I stopped looking, had completely given up on love and look…here’s this great guy who seems to like me.” But you know what that never seems to work out. If I’m lucky I end up with a new friend, but generally you can’t stay friends when you fall in love with a guy who doesn’t love you back.
I’m not a big fan of online dating, not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but for me personally I like things to be a bit more organic. So when I give up looking all this really means is I stop worrying too much about people’s reaction to the things I say or do. This is usually because (low self-esteem remember) I decide that I’m too fat/ugly/boring/miserable/etc for anyone to be interested in me. This is usually accompanied by me asking my friends why they are my friends? And what do I bring to the friendship? Yeah, I know, I am soooo messed up. But this giving up, seems to have the opposite effect, because it is usually at this point that the (previously mentioned) nice guy turns up and takes me by surprise.
However, I still end up single again, so I must be doing something wrong. I’m just not sure what….maybe it’s that I keep everything close and struggle to verbalise my feelings, I am scared I will get hurt so I don’t tell the guy, “Hey I like you. You’re nice and make my heart flip-flop”, I tell him “Hey you’ve got a good arse/eyes/shoulders/etc”. I focus on the superficial stuff, because if I don’t tell him he has my heart, he can’t rip it out and stomp on it. Right? Well, actually no. What seems to happen is they think I’m not really interested, or that I’m shallow and materialistic, and therefore not worth the time or effort. And yet again I find myself alone. I know I do this but I seem to be stuck in a pattern that I can’t break. I’m not willing to take a leap of faith that a guy won’t hurt me, because the guys in my past HAVE hurt me, but did they hurt me only because I didn’t give them everything they needed to know so they wouldn’t hurt me?
Being told recently that the right guy will come along when I am least expecting it made me roll my eyes, I knew it was meant sincerely but at the same time I also know that I frequently find someone when I least expect it, and I think this is the right person but then it turns out they weren’t. I have given up expecting anything, and yet I still end up sitting with yet another broken heart because some guy decided some other girl was worth more of their time than I was.
I think the definition of a broken heart is realising you love someone more than they love you, and/or in a totally different way.
And I am sick of having my heart broken.
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