Guest Post – Every Man Wanks by @offensivelover

Today’s post is by a good friend of mine, OffensiveLover. He may be a bit of a pervert but he can also be very kind and sweet. As he will kill me for saying that I should also point out that he is also a very handsome and ridiculously sexy man. Hopefully writing this for me means he will start to write on his own blog more. You can find it here and also follow him in twitter here.

Men masturbate.
Get over it.
Girls do too apparently. I’d like to witness more evidence of this actually but I’m reliably informed that they do.
Now, despite these facts, a lot of women live in this strange world where they are convinced that their man, their wonderful man that is so totally devoted to them that he never looks at another woman, never masturbates. You see, in these women’s heads their man is completely satisfied with their sex life so never sees a need, nor feels a desire, to masturbate. She is all he needs.
Bollocks.
Every man wanks. A man that has sex every single day of his life will still find time for a wank, I guarantee. Take me for example, I’m a 30something straight man in a sexually active, steady relationship and I still make time for a wank. Does my partner know? Probably, deep down, but she’s in the “My Man Don’t Wank” camp so we don’t acknowledge or discuss it. And this is what makes it so hard for a man like myself to take his wanking enjoyment to the next level and purchase a male sex toy. How do you tell the wife?
It’s the modern day equivalent of porn magazines in the shed. Today’s man doesn’t have that particular problem thanks to the internet and incognito tabs in internet browsers but when he craves a little more enjoyment from a wank there are a whole load of issues to overcome.
Will the lady find it? What will she think? Will she have a meltdown? Will she think I’m weird? Will she leave me? Will she think I’m cheating? Will she go into one of her week long sulks?
You can level the argument that we are both grown adults and should discuss it of course. She masturbates after all (the plethora of, what are now, socially acceptable vibrators support this argument) so she should be grown up enough to realise that the man does too right? Well, yes but the problem here comes down to genes. No man wants this conversation. No man wants to explain that he wants a sex toy. He’s happy for her to have them, the idea of her using them alone or him getting to use them on her is more than enough of a payoff but the embarrassment of having to admit to your woman that you want one too is a little too much.
Unlike women’s toys, they simply aren’t socially acceptable. In my group of male friends I know of only one that will admit to owning or desiring a male sex toy and he is a homosexual. That’s not to say “only gays use male sex toys” as I’m simply not saying that and realise that isn’t the case but it’s interesting to think that in a group of men the homosexual one is the only owner (that we know) of such a toy (it’s a fleshlight that he owns in case you’re wondering). Compare that with women for a moment though, how many women do you know that will admit to owning a sex toy? Bloody loads I bet! They are socially acceptable. Telling your wife/girlfriend/partner that you want a male sex toy is the same as asking them to shove a banana up your arse and call you Judy. It takes some balls and even more explaining.
And that’s all before you consider the practicalities and aesthetics. Women’s toys are now beautiful creations, even I can’t resist stroking a hand over some of my partner’s toys. Men’s Toys, on the other hand, all look like reject puppets from the latest alien film. Most of them even involve the man still doing most of the work and wrist action too, they make things feel a bit nicer but you still have to put the work in. Which isn’t what a man wants, he wants the groundbreaking equivalent of a rampant rabbit. Something to put on his cock and blow his mind (well, load). But this doesn’t seem to exist.
And then there is the mess!
A quick wank can be had in the space of the football half time, and that’s allowing for buffering to take place on Pornhub and disposal of the tissues. But using a male sex toy takes time, you’ll need lube and afterwards you’ll need to wash your cock and then wash the toy itself thoroughly before returning it to its hiding place. And cleaning it will never be a case of just swilling it out I’ll bet which, conveniently, is exactly what you can do with the female equivalent (within reason). Men aren’t good with mess and shy away from it for an easier option (i.e. the hand).
And there is also the cost!
The better toys available are all £50 plus which is a lot to blow (*snigger*) on something which carries so much risk (re grief from the partner) and uncertainty over whether it’ll actually get used (see above re mess). FIFA 15 seems like a much simpler idea.
All that said, I’d still love one. Men are guilty of just having a wank and I’d really like to try a more feminine approach to masturbation and relax into the moment and enjoy the duration, not just the finale. At a young age boys are programmed to knock one out in a few minutes for fear of getting caught and this follows through into their adult life. They need to reprogram to enjoy the full experience of masturbation and I think male sex toys can help do this. Not that I’ll ever pluck up the courage and funds to buy one mind. Do they give them out on the NHS maybe?
Follow me on twitter @offensivelover if you want to follow my perverted journey through life, send me pictures of your boobs or send me free male sex toys.

Please show your appreciation for OffensiveLover’s post by leaving a comment below.

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About Charlie

On twitter as @CharlieInThe
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One Response to Guest Post – Every Man Wanks by @offensivelover

  1. Pingback: November Guest Posts | Charlie In The Pool

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