I’m starting to think there is something very wrong with me but we all knew that already right?
When I don’t recieve the amount of attention from a guy that I want, I start to seek it from guys that I know are very bad for me.
It’s a low self esteem/low confidence thing I know that, I just want to be wanted, is that really too much to ask for?
I seem to be competing for everything in life and always losing.
When I mentioned to twitter earlier that my “sadness” for the day was caused because during my break at work my team leader phoned her boyfriend and the other member of the team phoned his girlfriend, I phoned no one because I have no one to call. I don’t even like talking on the phone so why does it get to me so much? It was the fact that I have no one there to ask how my day at work is going, no one who actually cares.
It’s moments like that that my loneliness really hits me and makes no matter how happy I was at the start of the day just disappear into nothingness.
Someone on twitter tried to cheer me up I think. He told me that no matter how I look when I leave the house I will pass 20 or so guys who will check me out but not do anything about it as guys are scared of rejection because they weren’t ever handed a manual on speaking to the opposite sex.
His second point was that I am most likely already talking to a guy who is crazy about me but he can’t bring the conversation forward from the mundane stuff to discussing his true feelings as he has probably tried before with someone else and got the cold shoulder so he is put off the idea.
First of all I highly doubt that any guy I talk to is crazy about me, why would they be when I am such a mess and am ridiculously open about it? Where’s the mystery?
The part about not being able to voice your true feelings I believe as it is something I have always struggled with. It is so hard to say to someone I like you or you have hurt me.
He then said that men are so simple, feed them, please them and let them sleep, that’s it! If I do all that and they are still being tricky then that’s their problem not mine.
After 6 years of being single and trying my hardest to be whatever a guy wants and still remaining true to myself, I believe that it really is me not them that’s the problem, it has to be, there is no other explanation.
I have been trying so hard over the past week to be happy, to ignore the nagging thoughts in my head and take life/guys as they come, today it seems to have crumbled around me. I have come so close to messaging Hobbit Boy this evening that it is just beyond a joke now. Why do I feel the need to add more emotional pain to what I am already feeling?
*I apologise for the self obsessed, depressive post, I just had to get these thoughts out of my head. Oddly I feel a bit better now*