Something weird keeps happening, every now and then I’ll get a message from Hobbit Boy, if you don’t know who he is I suggest you read about him here, here and here to understand the context of this post.
It’s weird because it use to always be me sending him messages after a random amount of time, I did point this out to him last time he messaged me but since moving to Liverpool it’s always been him contacting me. I know after everything that has happened I shouldn’t even bother to respond but I’m curious as to why he’s doing this.
Last night was one of those random times and this is how the conversation went. He is obviously the H and I’m the C.
Just in a weird mood :-p
This resulted in us then sending each other funny pictures of world leaders , then he asked the question.
H: So has your sex life been as barren as mine?
C: (I kind of lied a little bit here) No, it hasn’t but then I don’t know how barren yours has been.
H: You were a rare golden peak, such lofty heights.
C: That’s sad.
H: Not so much, there were boobs.
C: There’s been no boobs since mine?
C: That’s sad.
He then proceed to ask me if there has been any guys since him, I said yes, there has been a couple, which isn’t a complete lie, there have been guys in my life, there is kind of a guy in my life, I just haven’t slept with any of them yet.
H: Any good?
C: Yes, very good.
H: Nice? :-S
C: The current one is very nice.
H: Well, congrats. What was the selling point?
C: Them actually liking me.
I said this specifically to take a dig at him.
H: That’s a very good thing to find, lucky.
C: It’s a rare thing to find.
Again a dig at him because it sounds like I was the only girl who’s been interested in him for a long time and he fucked me about.
H: Shouldn’t be so.
Well now I’m depressed.
C: Yeah that happens.
H: Well shit, thanks,
C: Welcome to my world. 😃
What did you expect?
I would like to point out that I used the smiley face to try and make light of the fact that I’m depressed and I wasn’t before all the stuff with him, I just didn’t want to say that to him.
H: Ambivalence at best, scorn at worst. Just not with emoji’s.
C: Do emoji’s make my ambivalence worse?
H: They add something yes, I’m not sure if smiley face was the best choice. Unless hearing it made you happy.
C: Does it make me a bad person to say it may have made a small part of me happy? The very scornful part.
H: No, just a person. But letting me knew you took pleasure with a cartoon.
C: Meh, can’t take it back now and what was I meant to say?
Just so you know, I didn’t mean to I still this antipathy. I just can’t get my feeling to work.
C: I know you didn’t mean it but it still happened
H: Yep, fuck me.
C: It took me a long time to realise that it was mainly my fault that I felt hurt.
And that was it, haven’t heard from him since that. I don’t know why but I really feel the need to explain myself better to him, explain how much he hurt me, explain my use of a smiley face, why? I have no idea. I think I was hoping for more of an apology from him.
As usual my brain went into over drive thinking, is he messaging me because he realises he does have feelings for me and he regrets how he treated me and how he let me go.
Fuck! I was fine before this, I was over him, I am over him. It’s just hard not to wonder about the what ifs, I did like the guy for 10 years.