Reading Exhibit Unadorned’s latest post I’m Bloody Ibiza got me thinking about my past relationships and I realised that I have only ever had one proper serious relationship. We were together for 4 years, I cheated once at the start of the relationship, he cheated god knows how many times throughout the rest of the relationship, which resulted in me being completely broken hearted and not being able to trust men.
It’s been 5 years, I got over the broken heart a long time ago, I’m not sure I’ve resolved my trust issues with men because I haven’t had a relationship since, there have been guys I’ve wanted relationships with, guys I’ve slept with but none have ever wanted a relationship with me. Is it me or them?
It is all me. I obviously chose the wrong men, surely it cant just be that though. Guys are happy to flirt with me, even have sex with me but be my boyfriend? No way!
Maybe I am just unlovable.
I don’t truly believe that. I think I’m a good person, I am ridiculous loyal, I have a dry sometimes very crude sense of humour, a quick wit (most of the time) I’m fairly intelligent, love learning new things about the world and I have a great rack. What’s so unloveable about that?
People say none will love you until you love yourself.
I do love myself, I also hate myself. I don’t think that will ever change.
Lately I seem to be seeking validation from men that are completely unattainable, for them to tell me that I’m sexy and have great boobs does help boost my confidence for a short while but these are men I can never have a relationship with, they don’t actually know me, we haven’t met, so what is the point? My messed up brain tells me these men are completely using me because I’ll happily send them a picture of me in my bra, they probably hate everything else about me. Which makes me wonder even more why I do it?
It’s because it’s easy, fun and technically I am actually using them to make myself feel better about myself.
Real relationships can be bloody hard work and can end in a broken heart. I like to think I am ready for that again, I just haven’t been given the chance to see if I actually am. I know I’m not going about trying to find a guy to have a relationship with in the right way, I’ve even deleted all my internet dating profiles so who knows if I’ll ever be given the chance again?