Body Shaming Myself

This post started as something completely different about how I’m not like your average girl but that was all a bit cliche so it has changed into something else.

I am not a girly girl in any way.
I never wear make up, not even for special occasions. I don’t actually own any make up at all.

I don’t think of myself as pretty so I don’t feel the need to wear make up to enhance my looks, I think it would actually make me look worse.
There’s a girl I went to school with, I feel bad saying it but I never thought of her as one of the pretty girls, at the time I definitely thought she was uglier than me, at school she was typical “tomboy” (I really hate that phrase but can’t think of a better way to describe it) she never wore make up, loved playing hockey and never had a boyfriend, now 10 years on I see pictures of her on Facebook, with a full face of make up and a trendy hair cut and I think she looks an absolute mess, again I actually feel so bad for thinking this about her as she is a lovely girl but in my opinion she is trying too hard to be something she will never be. It’s such a horrible bitchy thing to think I know.
On the flip side I know girls that are gorgeous without make up but they still slap it on and again sometimes it makes them look like a right mess.

I hate to think of myself as a really judgemental person, I always want to take people for who they are and not what they look like and on the whole I do. I think I just project my insecurities onto other people and wonder why they don’t feel about themselves the way I do about myself, why am I the one with major self confidence/body issues?

I am so self conscious about what other people think of me I wouldn’t ever want people to see me and think I’m trying too hard to look attractive when I’m obviously not in the slightest.

Really girly girls who are into getting made up and dressed up actually make me feel very inferior. What guy would ever look at me when they can look at them? It’s nothing to do with the girls themselves, its all the crap that goes on in my head.

I never use to feel so bad about myself, I remember a time when I was happy with how I looked, all through my teenage years. I never once worried about how I looked or my weight as apparently most teenage girls do. Thinking back all my self confidence issues started after I split up with The Ex. He cheated on me many times and eventually got with his current girlfriend who is probably about 2 stone heavier than me. Surely that would knock anyone’s confidence?

I don’t know how to build my confidence back up though. Some days I think I look ok then I see a picture of myself or catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I am horrified at how fat/ugly I look.
My anxiety has many odd forms, like in my Anxiety Girl where I explain I can talk to strangers at work but can’t go to the shop around the corner from my flat. It really isn’t the most attractive quality to have.
In normal everyday like I am very self conscious of my body but in the past while having sex i couldn’t care less about how my body was looking, mostly likely because my mind is otherwise occupied.

I know exactly what I need to think and do to stop feeling so bad about myself.

Don’t give a shit what other people think, wear what makes me comfortable and just be happy.

If only it was so easy.

About Charlie

On twitter as @CharlieInThe
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1 Response to Body Shaming Myself

  1. Michele says:

    Don’t ever compare yourself to the new girlfriend. I seem to be the one before the one every time. It’s not looks or personality or size it just the chemistry.
    Just wear/ do one thing however small each day that makes you feel more you. One day you will find someone. The worlds a jigsaw – there’s someone out there who fits!

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