People find it hard to believe that I have anxiety issues because of my job, I’m a charity fundraiser, so everyday i knock on strangers door and talk to them about the charity, hoping they will sign up.
I can happily do that, i actually enjoy it 80% of the time but it can take me 45 mins to go to the shop that is 3 minutes away from my flat.
It doesn’t make sense!
I know that but it doesn’t stop it from happening.
It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never felt it as extreme as I sometimes do, I can go for weeks without having a problem then suddenly it will hit me.
A few weeks ago i got ready to go to the shop, shoes and coat on then I sat on my bed for 30 minutes, unable to leave, I had to spend that 30 minutes psyching myself up.
My anxiety is mainly about other people and how they see me, how I think they are judging me, for being too fat, too ugly, my hairs a right state, why is she wearing those clothes, why is she buying cider and cigarettes again, why is she buying cheese again, etc.
All these things run through my head before I’ve even left my flat. I know it’s all in my head. 99% of the people on the street probably don’t even pay any attention to me but in my mind they are all looking and judging me. I just realise how self centred that might make me sound, the fact I think everyone is noticing me, paying attention to me. It is my own insecurities that make me feel this way, I need to stop thinking about what other people think of me, I need to stop caring about what other people think of me. I never use to care, I miss that feeling.
If I don’t know them and they do on the off chance happen to look at me and judge me, why should I care? That’s their problem not mine.
But I do care and I don’t know how to stop caring.