I’m going to be completely honest with you I haven’t been smoke free for the past 3 days. I lasted till about 3 pm on the 1st day before I had a cigarette and i have had about 7 over the past 3 days, which compared to my normal 20ish a day habit is an improvement but its still not good.
The things is i haven’t felt better by having these cigarettes, yes it has stopped my cravings but it has made me feel much worse mentally. it has proven that i am what i think i am, a complete failure.
I have a very addictive personality (I know thats not an excuse), i find it hard to give anything up. I have issues with food, nicotine, alcohol, I find it hard to get over a guy even when i know its crazy to still like him, even If i fall in love with a song I will play it over and over again till everyone else is bored of it but I’m not.
This whole thing has reminded me of when i was 17 I smoked a lot of weed. My friends and I tried to stop smoking it for a month, I think i lasted a week and a half, in that week and a half i replaced weed with alcohol and would drink every day instead of get high.
The thing with smoking is that i still really enojy it, I know its really bad for me, makes me stink and is very unattractive but have you never loved something that you knew was bad for you?
I feel like such a disappointment that i could even go a whole day with out smoking, and I’ve lied to friends, family and coworkers when they asked me how its going because i cant face them seeing me as a failure.
I have such an unhealthy mind set at the moment and i just cant get out of this depressive rut Ive been in for months now. Work is shit, my house mates are making my home life hell and I’m lonely. All this isn’t helped by the fact that I want to change my life by moving to a different city and it just seems to be taking forever even though its not even been two months since i decided to move.
I’m so impatient and lazy, I want to just be able to stop smoking with the click of my fingers and for it to be easy. But i know its not going to be. Starting tomorrow I’m going to really try and not smoke, I’m going to buy some gum because Ive been told by friends that it really helped them quit. When ever i have the urge for a cigarette I’m going to do something to take my mind off it, I just need to find something to do thats not eating.
I’m just going to have to take everyday as it comes and not let things like work and shitty house mates get on top of me and stress me out.
Sorry for the annoying self deprecating post, I just had to put this out there.